Wednesday, September 28, 2011


THE DOCTOR kept asking me why I hadn't noticed the mass in my left breast while showering. Hadn't I felt something unusual? No, not until the day about six weeks ago when something was obviously different and the discovery resulted in a gut wrenching fear of what it might be.

And I've been thinking. Why wasn't my husband asked if he hadn't noticed anything different? It seems an obvious assumption that in a married couple there might be some activity that would reveal an abnormality. Just wondering, that's all.

Today is the MRI and I was planning to listen to music on my Apple device and then realized that no metal can go with me into the tube. So my coping device plan went up in proverbial smoke and I'll be left to my own imagination. Just the idea of lying perfectly still on my stomach, a position I never, ever assume, for a whole hour seems daunting.

I can't look forward to that feeling of "There! That's done and now I can get on with my life", but rather there's a lot of fear about what the test may reveal. I know the wisdom of remaining positive in my thinking, but my modus operandi all these years has been to get ready mentally for the worst and then exalt in the good news that usually results. It's worked for me, up until now. It feels as though everything is changing, all at once. And it's scary.

"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop."
                                                                           ~Usman B. Asif


  1. What you are doing (sharing feelings and fact) is incredibly brave and I think best for you. It's out in the open and can be discussed, IF you want to.

    Prayers, wishes are beside you in the tube. Been in many a tube! How ever have you missed the tube experience up til now?

  2. You are braver than me, I must confess. I cannot do MRIs out of fear but fortunately they are able to assess my tumours via CT scans which I can tolerate.
    Good luck with your visit today. You've got an awful lot of people around the world rooting for you.

  3. Jane, you are surrounded by so many that love you and Bob. My thoughts and prayers are with you both,

  4. I'm blessed by having all of you people cheering us on, but I have such a fear of letting you down.

    Jeanne, a pseudo Christian Scientist doesn't go into tubes. That's how I've escaped it. It's hell to be a hypochondriac who's afraid of doctors.

  5. Aunt Janie,

    For some reason I was unable to post on your blog.

    I hope that being loved by your family and so many friends will comfort you and make your journey easier. We, your faithful readers, want you to continue your blog until the burden is too much for YOU. Your musings are inspirational, entertaining, and keep us updated on you and Uncle Bob.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers! Give Uncle Bob a hug for me!



  6. Bonjour Madam
    And I mean 'bonjour.' With your sense of humor, I'm worried you'll find something humorous even in the tube - what a scene! It's an infernal machine - I'm sorry you have to deal with it but - you will find your way through even if they catch you sneaking off the table. Love

  7. Having spent lots of hours in tubes because of my brain tumour I have learned to bring my favorite CD's with me and they play my own music through the head sets that they give you. At least they do at Cedars. I just drift into my comfort zone and listing to the music and pretend that kerchunk, kerchunk noise is a therapy that will help define the problem so they will "fix" it. I know that is unrealistic, but that is how I visualize it. As far as sharing with your blog world...only do it when it makes YOU feel better. Now of us want you to to do anything that is not beneficial to YOU!! Hope to see you some time this weekend if you are up to a quick Hug. Just tell Nadine how you feel about that as my feelings will not be at all hurt if you want your privacy. T.O.Joanne

  8. Shit...

    No regrets Jane. I had a recent scare with my own health. While waiting on results I was forced to remind myself that I had made the choice to not see the doctors the past 10 point in beating you up for a decision you wanted to make at the time I said.

    I think the trick is to be ready.
    I worry so that I won't be...

    Keep writing, we will keep listening, life trudges forward with or without us.


  9. Stay strong and breath deeply in the tunnel I actually fall asleep. I make them turn off the junk music and listen to the sounds of the machine and the hum. " )

  10. oops, the last one from A Non Y Mouse !

  11. Oh, my God, Jane! I am just aching for you, that you have one more struggle ahead. I guess you have to take this a step at a time. I hope you get good news next. You've both had quite enough to deal with. Seems to me you've both paid your dues. Many times over, in fact. I wish there was some comforting thing I could say, but know that I am thinking of you, and that many people love you both.

  12. PS:
    Jane, my mother had Multiple Sclerosis, and for years, she had to have MRI's so that they could look at her brain. she said that she was very claustrophobic, and they gave her Valium so that she would relax and not panic. I have no idea if that's normal, or if that was very rare, but I know she would have been petrified otherwise, and it evidently helped her get through it all.

  13. Your way of dealing with this seems unusual to me but I supposet everyone's way of dealing with this is as unique as their way of dealing with life and death. Our family pastor wanted everyone in this congregation to deal with mortality (and morality) his way, one of the reasons we parted company.

  14. are not the first woman who missed it. I am so sorry. I hear you with the way you said you handle things like this. know what is and what is the truth. What to do next. Geez...with all that went on with Bob, i know our minds have a way of lettings us face it in our own way. I pray you can walk through this with humor and grace and your can do spirit. We are all here for you!! Love you!