Thursday, September 22, 2011


IT'S BEEN an emotionally needy day, one full of weeping (mine) and understanding and counseling (theirs) and I must say I'm ending the day feeling better than I did this morning. Unending teardrops lie so near to the surface that it takes just a thought and they spring forth to my eyes and once started, it's nearly impossible to stop them. Other people don't go around wailing and I feel ashamed at the copious deluge that pours forth at the slightest provocation. I have so little control over it that it's hard to go out in public.

Thursday mornings are when the doctor pays a visit to the Manor. After he saw the waiting patients, he and the nurse came up and paid us what used to be referred to as a house call. He's very religious which is not to be sneered at in a medical man and English is not his original language although he's quite fluent in it. In an effort to be comforting, he quoted from Ecclesiastes 3:1 "A time to be born and a time to die" which wasn't exactly a consolation given the circumstances, but I rose to the occasion enough to giggle as I told him I thought he needed to master the pronunciation of that Biblical book before he could be taken seriously. He laughed, too. It was the first time in my life that I've requested some sort of medicine that would keep me from sniveling my way through every day. As he wrote on his prescription pad, he cautioned me to take the medication only as needed because it tends to "crowd" the brain. True enough, there's an awful lot in my head these days, so it made some sort of sense and then Mr. Bob figured out that what the good doctor had meant was that it would "cloud" the brain. We laughed again because either interpretation was good reason to use it wisely.

Noontime arrived and I made it through dinnertime with dry eyes, joining in the mealtime conversation, but soon clouded up when talking with a very wise, sensitive resident who is a good listener. We moved from the dining room to the lounge where my sorrow gathered momentum. Soon we were joined by the executive director and then led to his office where the door could be closed for some privacy. On and on I sobbed and was assured that with the amount of challenges we're weathering, it wasn't unusual to be grieving........anger, sadness, fear....all very much to be expected.

By the time we returned to our room, some measure of serenity had been restored, at least temporarily. There'll be more to come as we travel this bumpy road without knowing where it's leading. I just wish I could become more self-contained in my emotions and not subject people in my life to everything I'm feeling.

"It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses."            


    Also, there's Thomas Wolfe and I'm only paraphrasing from longtime ago college discussions about Depression and how devastating it can be except for a leaf falling or a raindrop that startles us out of those moods and lifts us up again without reason or sense perhaps - it just happens. It's life grabbing us again I suppose. Much love

  2. You are being brave, but not lifting the veil. How is Mr. Bob? What happened in your exam?
    This is an intimate venue, I think you are only writing to friends who only want the best for you. Can't you feel that?
    Trust us when you are ready and we'll direct the prayers where needed.


  3. thoughts and prayers to you both

    denise in c'ville

  4. Dear Jane and Bob,
    My words are so inadeqate to express the sadness I feel for you. I don't know what the report was, but it must not have been good. You two have so much to process right now I am amazed that you can so clearly put that into words that we can all understand and feel the pain with you. I hope you can feel all the love coming back to you even though we can't quite verbalize it as well as you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

    edie in Indiana

  5. I find this difficult to grasp. Keep posting Jane.Your journal has become part of my journey too.

  6. I'm so thankful that you have the loving environment of the Manor and are surrounded by caring staff and friends who can help you through your difficulties. You also have an amazing community of readers who also care and share in your journey. More prayers for you and Mr. Bob. T.O. Joanne

  7. Dear sweet Jane, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday as I read your words I so feel your sorrow. Keep journaling here and we will all lift you up from this sorrow as we read. Please feel the love I am sending your way.
    Calif. 5th Generation Gal

  8. Dear Jane, grief is moving through you and I send my love. There are no rules for emotions except to feel them, so it's a blessing you are at the manor where support and care is abundant and expert. You are in my thoughts and I send prayers to you and Mr. Bob.

  9. I hope all goes well for you ! tears can be a help so don't feel embarrassed. You and Bob are two great people.
    A Non Y Mouse

  10. You've both been through so much... even I try to brace myself for what news you're going to reveal to us, here in your blog posts, so I can only imagine how frightening it must be for you, who are actually experiencing all this, getting ready to hear the news you all are hearing in these doctor visits. I wish I could somehow comfort you during all of this. My heart goes out to you--have a good cry if you need it. You release good endorphins with a good sob, and you're under a lot of stress to begin with, so have at it. I even tear up just reading about your news. The worrying and fear about it all is so hard, I'm sure... Much love, xoxo

  11. I wish I had words of comfort and wisdom but honestly I don't know what to say. You are in my prayers. Love, Shelley

  12. A Brush with Color is speaking my thoughts. Cry because that is why have tear ducts. Emotions for some of us include crying. Just carry some fabulous hankies!!! I know i find myself tearing up in all sorts of ways. Have a friend tell me their grandson finally hit the ball in t-ball! Or a student in high school accepted to college in a field that they thought would just be fantasy! At my Mom at times, just because, when i realize she is soon to be 81 and how much longer will we have her. Shelley said it so right and so did the others who say your blog followers stand beside you and travel this road and will help how we can. Share what you can, but know you are a light that shines very very bright to all of us. Prayers and good thoughts may be our best to you right now.

  13. Jane- If you were more "self-contained" in your emotions, you wouldn't be the "catalyst" that you referred to in another blog. In other words, you wouldn't be you! You're both dealing with a lot, so take the medication as needed, keep company with people, listen to music, go outside. I never mention the other recommendation- exercise. It's just too ridiculous! Love you both. Jeanine